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Sunday, September 18, 2011

Psycho-dating

You know that pretending to be typing on your phone while conversing with someone is a terrible habit, yet you can't help doing it while conversing with some particularly boring people. After all you have just recently read somewhere that this act is called communi-faking and everyone does it

So while your companion is blabbing away, you are busy pretending to ping,hoping he would notice your distraction and atleast pause. unfortunately, your companion is one of those people who do not care if you are listening, provided you let them talk

thankfully, you finally get a real ping from bestfriend asking

'What are you up to'?

you text back 'I am on a psycho date'

psycho dating is a term you guys made up to mean going on dates with people that make you uncomfortable. He could be talking too much, like your companion was doing, he could expect you to come home with him after the first date, he could try giving you a kiss after the date when you don't even like him, he could be a blind date who turned out too short or too fat or even really blind...

'what is he doing' your friend texts back

'He is talking so much i feel like just walking into a moving vehicle'

'whats stopping you?' your friend teases

'stopping me from what'

'walking into a moving vehicle'

'well my fear is, some drivers are really good, they might jump out of the car and beat me to death, if i try walking infront of their cars'

'I trust you, you can walk better than most drivers drive, besides even if you get beaten to death, its all death as long as you die


'Lmao, you no be better person' you reply, finally sheathing your phone into your pocket.

you resign to listening to your psych date. he has brought you to the school library, a convenient place where he doesn't have to spend any money.

'Welcome to the University of Nigeria Library' he says with the air of a tourist guide, not minding that you have already spent four years in the said school, and a great part of the years in the library.

'It is the biggest library in East Africa' he says. The last statement rings a bell in your ears, and you wonder if it had been a slip of the tongue or if he really did not know that Nigeria was in West Africa.

you guys are at the library gate now, and being asked to drop your bags, there is a black van beside the gate with a clear inscription on it ANTI-BOMB SQUAD.

your date points at the van and says 'that is the anti-bomb squad, you know boko-haram, a terrorist group against western education in Nigeria has threatened to bomb 18 Nigerian universities...'

you feel like screaming. the guy is just on your nerves, who doesn't know Boko-haram, who doesnt know that they threatened to bomb Universities, who doesn't know that they just bombed the UN building in Abuja, but you could see how he could think that you don't know these things, afterall he thinks Nigeria is in East-Africa. You can't take anymore of the conversation, now you could really walk into a moving car. so you say

'it's West-Africa'
he says 'What'
and you say 'This is the biggest library in West-Africa, Nigeria is in West-Africa'

he opens his mouth, you feel pretty sure he is about to tell you that that conversation took place over ten minutes ago, he wants to ask why you just thought of it now, but you can never confirm what he wanted to say, because he is interrupted by a loud bang behind the library

for a moment everyone stood still, then the anti-bomb squad van started to move toward the source of the sound, you dont know if its your imagination but people are actually leaving the library building hurriedly. People could not seriously think that that bang was a bomb, it was barely as loud as a gunshot.

but anyone who wanted to detonate a real bomb could get past the gate now, seeing as the anti-bomb squad had moved away from the gate to investigate the source of the bang. so when your psycho-date says
'Let us go, this place is not safe...' and keeps blabbing

you follow him like a lamb to the slaughter, wondering where he was taking you now, maybe, the school bookshop. you just follow him, cuz you think it would be much better to walk into a moving vehicle than be killed by a bomb blast

15 comments:

gretel said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
gretel said...

I relate to this one sha,even though I wouldn't join that nerd to the library,and I would have feigned a call to get away even though I walk into a moving vehicle.
cool,really cool :)

Sugarcoated said...

lol Gretel

@ilola said...

Fortunately, I don't do blind dates, so I have been able to escape these kind of ordeals.
The fear of Boko haram sha...

'Lara said...

This kind of people I avoid like hell... I call them the olodo talkertives.

Tamunoibifiri Mobolaji-Kamson said...

lol i don't like people like this at all. i try my best to run far far away from them. lovely blog. Like the comment on my blog.
just joined this blog.
www.secretlilies.blogspot.com

aloted said...

welcome back to blogsville!

Myne Whitman said...

This was so funny, some people sure can talk sha.

kitkat said...

omg i hate when someone doesnt know when to top talking :'( ..i feel your pain.

raindropsonarose said...

Congratulations on your graduation. Good to see you're back, and writing as good as ever.

Thank you for inquiring about me...very much appreciated.
- I am great, and I didn't stop blogging (not yet), I only changed platforms.

Cheers.
:-)

LadyNgo said...

And this is why i don't do blind dates. I need to know if you're a weirdo before im trapped with you someplace lol.

Priscy said...

just so you know I just passed on the most versatile blogger award to you in my last post, please check it out. thanks

doll said...

i dont do blind dates o!

Kafo said...

u were able to comment on my page :)

your blog is hilarious

seriously.

blind dates
psychodating

:)

DesperateNaijaWoman said...

I laughed so much reading this.....plus I like that you can 'be' 3 different people in one blog.....Or was this a true life story? Lol! I pray not.