He handed her a pin, a crooked pin, with the round white head of super-glue pins.
Pin your shirt’ he said kindly. His voice was soft and deep, and down in his eyes was care, as if he was ready to do anything to make her smile.
She refused to look at him, to be seduced by his sweetness. She looked at every other thing in the room but him.
Whenever her eyes met his, she looked away, at the medium sized cloth wardrobe, whose doors were a mirror. On the mirror, she saw herself.
Her white shirt which had been all neat and ironed when she arrived was now a rumpled mess, her hair lay across her face, stuck with sweat, and her eyes were blood shot red. She found it humiliating.
Her image on the mirror. Yet she could not look elsewhere.
Please pin your shirt’ he said gently again, coming closer to her, starting to pull her shirt firmly together. His hand against her body was hot and scary.
She pushed his hands away, and then stood facing him, ashamed in her uncovered milk bra. She thought of that morning, when she had worn that bra.
She had fantasized about him, about him kissing her, unbuttoning her shirt, to find that sexy milk colored push up bra. Yet now, his eyes on the milk colored bra, made her burn with shame.
Pull yourself together honey, do I get you a drink’ he said to her, in a low voice filled with passionate care. His hand was on her shoulder, soothing her gently, his pretty face furrowed with worry. His request infuriated her.
It annoyed her to think that he had not thought of offering her a drink when she first arrived, it annoyed her more, that she too, had not thought of a drink then. The drink might have changed the turn of things.
She had followed him home from his office. He worked as an engineer in the country’s power holding firm. He lived in the outskirts, somewhere she had wondered if it was still a part of Lagos.
He lived in one of those rowdy compounds where everyone shared a bathroom. A house full of naked pot bellied children, who had helpless looking mothers. She noticed that no father was within sight, and decided they had gone to fend for their families.
He had introduced her to each of those children, each by their names. He touched each of them on their protruding belly buttons, and tickled them in his ever-caring way, before saying their name to her.
The children were happy to see him home, their excited eyes shone from their over-sized heads. He introduced her to the women too, who sat gossiping together at the extreme corner of the compound, they were all nothing but his neighbors, yet they called her in-law. And asked when she would be marrying their brother.
They all seemed so nice, and it worried her that they should dwell in so much poverty. She thanked God silently, for her rich lot in life. The way he cuddled the children, made her love them too. It was the reason she loved him, he seemed to have a passion, to care for everything living.
Inside his house, she had been surprised. That such beauty could be found inside such dirt. But then it was typically the house of bachelor. A neat space with just the necessary items. Sound system set on a beautiful glass tray, and a small fridge leaning against the wall.
He had a small blue light generator, the type that the sound drove you crazy. It gave her a strange satisfaction to note that even the people holding the country’s power, did not have power in their houses. There was the medium sized wardrobe too, that its doors served as a mirror. She was impressed with his room, and she said so, before sitting on the giant sized mattress that was laid on the floor.
He pulled her from the bed, and made her stand before the wardrobe mirror, with his arms around her neck so that they made a picture of a beautiful couple.
She was shy, as He remarked on how tall he was, and how she was almost the same height as him, and how beautiful their children would look, if she agreed to marry him. He whispered to her how much she loved him, how highly she was placed in his life.
She smiled to herself, as she thought how much she loved him too. But her shyness would not let her say it. She laughed at his jokes, loving the rich fragrance of his bod-man, that filled the air. He made her laugh until they both fell back on the mattress.
Then he asked her silly questions about her perfume and lipstick and in between her equally silly replies, she found herself kissing him.
He kissed her tenderly, unbuttoning her white shirt, discovering her milk bra, just as she had dreamed. He caressed her nipple, while she clawed at his back with her hands, kissing him as if her whole life depended on it.
Then he excused himself, and left her in the heat of her passion. He went to the door where the group of small children gathered, and quietly shooed them away.
Then he bolted the door. She sat up on the bed still feeling his heat, and watched as he bolted the door. Then he turned to face her, his manhood almost standing erect. The sight of his manhood, was supposed to turn her on, yet it made her fret, and for a moment, she toyed with the idea of changing her mind.
But the more reasonable part of her caught hold of her. Today was her nineteenth birthday, and she was tired of being virtuous.
She let him continue. She inhaled his bod-man scent.
The fragrance that made her feel that love had a particular smell. Love for her, smelled of bod-man. She let him slide a finger inside her, then two. To her surprise there was no pain.
She relaxed, snogging deeper, riding herself of every former believe that first time sex could be painful. He had pulled down her jean trousers, and her panties lay on the floor. Her shirt, remained unbuttoned but clung to her body, and her bra was pushed up above her breast. He too was clad in nothing now but a red boxer, from which his penis now stuck out. Their passion would not let them get complete rid of those clothing.
He touched her gently, feeling up places she never knew she had. She thought to herself, that this was all she ever wanted, the touch of a man, to make her a complete woman
Then she felt him, his penis, pricking hard against her. Like a cotton bud was being forced into her ear-drums. Something hard into something delicate. It was like she was being poked with a hard stick.
She wanted to have sex, but she was afraid of pain. So she began to shift away from him, thinking the farther she was from him, the less intense the pain would be. But each time she moved, he closed up on her, until she was half leaning on the cloth wardrobe. He kept glancing up at her, telling her she would be okay, but the sharp pain she felt each time she felt his shove made her stop.
She began to close her legs. There was no possible place in her body for that hard stick. Suddenly she felt like creeping away from him, and disappearing into the wardrobe.
His care was fast turning now to irritation, and instead of the consolation, he was snapping at her now.
Like a parent inadvertently would snap at a child who was too scared of school. He stopped kissing her, opening his eyes, and looking at her searchingly.
Stop’ she told him, she was panicked now, her body tensed up in fear.
What do you mean’ he asked, that sweet smile playing on his handsome face, as if she was telling him a joke. He was only there for a second. He talked no further, he returned to kissing her, thinking she meant she was not yet ready to have him. But she was too tensed to kiss now, and tried to keep her lips away from him, telling him to stop.
He kept kissing her, on her face, down to her breast, the tip of his tongue played with her nipple, giving so much pleasure that she toyed with the idea of going ahead. But as soon as she felt him hard, trying to enter her.
She recoiled, and began to sweat.
Please stop’ she said to him
What do you mean’ he asked, in a bedroom tone.
I don’t want to have sex’ she said.
He looked at her then, in an unserious way, as if that was what all the girls he had laid had said to him.
Don’t worry, you would enjoy me’ he said to her, his tone was so caring, so placating, that she almost believed him. But even if she did believe him, she was too tensed up to have sex now.
She was sweating, and her heart beat with fear.
He had stopped kissing her now, putting all his effort in the job that was proving difficult for him, entering her. She had stopped to kiss him too, and had put all her effort in her most difficult task, resisting him.
She started to push him off, using her two hands, but he was stronger. Using his left hand, he pinned down her right hand to her head. So that she had only her left hand to fight. From then, it became all about him, he stopped even the occasional glances he gave to see if she was having fun. He began to concentrate on having his own pleasure, as if he had sworn to have it.
She was panicked now, and desperate, so much so that she used her left hand to cover herself, so that he would not penetrate her.
Please stop’ she cried despairingly.
And he did stop. He stopped to look at her, he looked at her, and she looked at him, plea in her eyes. But the person she saw was not the one she had known. He had a new soul now, one possessed with the demons of passion. His eyes were bloodshot, like that of an often-condemned criminal.
Sweat poured down his body, to hers, as if he was involved in a serious wrestle with her. He was
Why should I stop’ he said in exasperation, a part of him she had never known
Just stop’ she told him firmly, she had a feeling no explanation she gave could ever make him stop now. He confirmed it
No’ he said
Please I beg you in the name of God’ she cried. Tears were pouring down her eyes now. But he did not seem to notice.
You don’t understand’ he said ‘even if I wanted to stop, I can’t stop now’ there was a conviction in his voice, that told her he was saying the truth. Even if he wanted to stop, he could not.
The person above her, was not him. He was possessed now.
She fought her despair. He still pinned her right arm to her head and he had hurt her left wrist so badly that the arm was almost useless to her.
She was so worn out from fighting him, she decided to let him have his way, to close her eyes, and think of something far away, to let her spirit go away from that room. But she could not ignore the sharp pain she felt, each time she felt him prod her. Rather than let her spirit move away, she began to shout.
Help me someone! Help’ it was panic, and the fear of pain that made her do it, but now she could see it angered him. Her shout for help had drawn away every care and pity that might have been left in him, because he charged at her, like a lion devouring a cat prey.
This is my house’ he muttered, with such authority, that she knew right then that no help was going to come to her.
She replayed the faces of the helpless looking women she had seen outside, wondering what they were doing then, knowing they were listening to her screams. As for the children.
She could still here them playing outside, she imagined they heard such screams every day, it was a normal part of their lives and now she wished she were one of them, any one of them. Hungry, scraggy, poor, sick, hopeless with an unsure future, anything but the victim on that bed.
He was violent now. Shoving her roughly, hitting her, and twisting her wrist, yet she fought blindly, with mad abandon. Her hands were useless, so now she closed her legs, and twisted her hips side from side, taunting all his efforts.
‘why are you suddenly so strong’ he muttered angrily. And then she knew she was never going to win. It had become a fight, feminine versus masculine power, now he longed to show her who was stronger. She went back to begging him, apart from kicking her legs, it was all she could do
Mike please stop, I beg you in the name of Jesus Christ, stop’ but she doubted if at that time he knew whom God was, or if he even recognized his own name. He was like a giant new dog, which had not learnt to answer to his own name.
I can’t stop, don’t you understand’ he repeated. Sometimes she thought she saw kindness in his eyes, but quickly it became wicked passion, and he prod her heartlessly, desperate to gain his entrance into her body.
At a time she tried to pray, but then she was distracted, by her thoughts that wondered if God answered prayers of girls who followed men home, girls who disobeyed everything their parents had thought them.
She even felt the beast on top of her was stronger than God. He was like a strange beast, possessed by demented demons. He was nothing like the loving Mike she dated. The one whom she met two months ago.
The one who had destroyed her fears of uncertainty, by saying to her
You would stop being a virgin on your nineteenth birthday, and trust me, it is going to be totally painessl’
At last she was tired. And she just turned around, while he hurt her.
You are making me hurt you, stop making me hurt you, just relax’ he said while thrusting into her. He said it like someone reciting the simple abc of sex.
She longed to tell him she did not know the abc of sex. She did not understand how she was supposed to relax when he had hurt her so much. She longed to do anything to stop the way he hurt her.
How’ she cried ‘how should I relax’ it was not a rhetorical question, it was an innocent ignorant one.
He seemed to understand
Just open your legs’ he told her, his voice was like that of a placated beast. Wickedness laced with pity.
At that moment, she finally let her spirit die. She lost every faith in humanity and in God, she had called out to both and they had failed her.
She lost every faith in herself too. For having ever wanted to have sex. She denounced her body, her bones, for having failed her, in her wrestle for survival. Now she just opened her legs for him, as wide as they could go. So that he could do whatever he wanted to do and it would not hurt her.
But it did hurt her, because he thrust so hard into her, as if he was punishing her for an unknown crime she had committed. But the pain was good for her. She felt she deserved to be punished. For ever believing in God, for ever believing in humanity, for ever believing in love.
She had been stupid, and nature was punishing her.
Now he stood before her, in the kindness she had always known him to have, apologizing so miserably, offering her a pin, because he had torn off all the buttons of her shirt.
Now he was calm and kind, and it was hard for her, to reconcile him with the man who just raped her. She felt no anger towards him, just humiliation, for herself. For how she had wrestled him stark naked on the bed, for how she had so begged him with all her failed humility.
She was humiliated for being raped. Now as she stood before him, inhaling his bod-man. She started to wonder which was the real him, the beast or this prince. Had she been raped by a saint, or deceived by his scent.
He begged her to take a shower, to brush her hair and apply some make-up. He begged her with so much remorse in him, that she was tempted to fall for his charm.
But she did not. She walked out of his room a new person, a soul without a spirit, a person who did not heed sincere heart-rending pleas, nor care what the neighbors thought. As she walked home people stared at her, her undone buttons, and her hair. But she had convinced herself in a way, that none of that mattered anymore.
At home she laid down alone, wondering why tears refused to come, at times almost believing that nothing had happened to her. She still wore her unbuttoned shirt and her hair, the same tattered way. Her wrists ached and her shoulders were broken, blood dripped in her underwear, yet she did not mind. She refused to mind. She had an urge to have a bath but she did not. she had read rape stories where the victims bathed and thought they could wash away the memory. She knew a bath would do nothing to the memory
But by midnight that day, she sleep walked into the bathroom. Her body aching all over, and stale and new blood flowed in her underwear. She put on the heater and waited till the water was hot enough to scald her. Then she poured almost a whole bottle of her giant-sized dettol into the water. She stepped into the water and her bruises welcomed the antiseptic. Then she began to scrub, not for the stale blood, or the clothed bruises. She was scrubbing for love. There was no more love for her, so she was scrubbing away the bod-man that still hung so strong on her body. The scent of love.
Early Signs of an Addictive Personality
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